When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
