the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
birth control should be required to get into college
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
