I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
