She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
