All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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