mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
