I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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