Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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