all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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