can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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