I cannot find my penis.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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