Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
