Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
