i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
