I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
