Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
