You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there's paper in my vomit.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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