Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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