I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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