i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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