apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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