Swine flu. Run for my life!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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