thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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