he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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