its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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