I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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