dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
