Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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