I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
