i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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