White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
