I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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