my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
