but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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