wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
