She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize