it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
