I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
