Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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