how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
