I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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