My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
