We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize