She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
