this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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