i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
