You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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