My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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