No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
