The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
