Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize