now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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