His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
