I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I AM VODKA MAN
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
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