What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
