The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
